I have come to realize that I have a rebellion gene in me. I have not considered myself a rebellious person but perhaps I need to rethink that. For several years I have turned down certain medical tests that were for my own good. I had heard and seen things about each of the tests that I was sure I would not like to have happen to me! Yup, I rebelled about them even though they are designed to save lives. I was sure that I would be okay without having to have them. What I was not okay with was the pain that I have been enduring for more than a year that was making walking and laying down or even moving at all so very painful. Continuous pain is not fun and you can begin to be grumpy to those who really care about you and then--there is that need to apologize for your grumpiness. One day I was told that if I was going to have hip surgery, then I would probably need a bone density test. Now, that test was the one that I had already mostly talked myself into as I thought it was the least invasive of all the tests that I was being told to have done. I finally said yes! My courage was getting better! Then my doctor was encouraged by my submission! So she went on to tell me that since I was going to be at the location for that test, that I might as well as get one more since they were in the same area. I must have had a brief opening in my rebellion and there was that small point in time where I said yes! I could hardly believe that I had actually said YES! But once it was said, I could hardly take it back. I am sure that like me, you have said things that you wish you could take back, words that you wish you had never said. But once said, they are recorded in another's mind or written down and remembered for far longer than you want. I have often wondered if Satan has ever wished he could take back some of the things he said in heaven before he was banished. Or maybe he regretted other horrible things he has told many throughout the ages of this world. Is he like me and opened my mouth for words that I could not take back? He is now known as the author of rebellion and has affected everyone since that moment that he rebelled against God. At any rate, once said, words are recorded both here on earth and in the books in heaven where all our words and deeds are written down in a permanent record!
My saying okay to a test, that I never planned on saying yes to, has changed my life forever! That test alerted a doctor to a possible problem! That alert was sent on to another doctor who said There Is a Problem. At that point, I was informed that I needed more testing! The word cancer once again entered my life. More testing and more consultations and procedures and surgery and now even more follow-up procedures and consultations. How my life changed in a matter of a few minutes spent on one test that I had rebelled against for so long.
I can see God's guiding hand though. He was guiding me to say yes at the very moment I needed to say yes after years of saying no. Keeping myself open to Him allowed Him to give me a miracle because I consider it a miracle that I said yes and then another miracle that the very time I said yes was the time that allowed the diagnosis to be made. I asked a question—could you (the doctor) have seen this cancer if I had had the test sooner? The answer was no! I had a very early-stage cancer, the kind that usually is fairly easily taken care of and prevents something far worse. It has been wonderful to know that I have been given the chance to overcome this bit of trouble in my life. There have been many lessons of learning to trust, to submit and get rid of the rebelling attitude. There have been so many new things to experience and learn. I have so many things that I am thankful for. I am beginning to be grateful for testing and follow-up diagnosis, for doctors with knowledge, for great inventions and procedures, for new improvements to machines and techniques that make cure so much easier now than in the past. I am so grateful for nurses that show me God! Their kindness and care have made this experience so much easier. They are God's representatives here on earth. I am so grateful for family and church family that only want me happy and well again and for their wonderful help that also shows me God. Just as God wants to send us needed help even when we don't realize we need it, I have received help that I wasn't asking for but that was so what I needed. Their help has made my life easier and it reminds me that their care and love represents God's care and love for me. I am thankful that the care and treatments will continue as long as needed. The reason they might cease would be if I said, NO! Stop!
God continues to give me the guidance I need—until I might say NO, Stop. Only then will He leave me to manage on my own. Just as I cannot make the cancer go away on my own, I cannot make sin in my life go away by myself. I need the knowledge of the doctors and specialists and I need God to make the sins of my life to go away, be erased, be removed. Just as the cancer was surgically removed, I need God to surgically remove the sins and scars that are on and in my heart.
I have another word that is becoming important to me. I have to trust the diagnosis; I have to trust the doctors. I have to trust the methods used to cure the problem. I have to trust that God is with me through it all. I have to trust that the chance of recurrence is very very small. I have to trust that the procedure that gives assurance of survival will do no damage to other things in my body. In this sinful world, we do not always know how things go wrong in our bodies or why they go wrong. There are no good answers. For me the future is unknown. I have to trust that I will not have this problem again. But when I really think about it, my trust in the future lies in what God has promised. His promise is of a future life with Him if we follow His instructions and trust His methods of cure for our/my sin problem.
There were a few days of weather that no one liked recently. Days that were very warm, and very hot and very humid. Days that were unbearable without a fan or air conditioner. I do not like those days and I do not like to work on hot humid days. In our house we have a remote device for controlling other things. This particular remote device is one we use to change channels. After giving us service with no problems, one day the service it provided to us was totally out of character for it. When I wanted to lower the sound, it changed the channel from 7 to 4. When I tried again, then the sound stayed the same, the channel changed to 44 and then to 5 and then 55! In our part of Iowa, antennas cannot find a channel to match those numbers. When we tried to overcome the problems of not being able to lower the sound, we tried to use the "last/redo" button to try to solve the problem. That was no help! Then it went to the volume setting but still would not lower or raise the sound. We couldn't even turn the power off by using the remote! We learned to not trust the remote! It would do many things that had nothing to do with what we wanted. It would never do the proper command. It would rebel and do it its own way! We had to expect anything but what we wanted. When this problem continued into the second day, we began to try to decide what to do next. Getting new batteries for it didn’t help the problem, nothing helped. Our trust in that remote device was broken. A couple of days later, the hot humid days went away, and we all enjoyed the big change. And, not thinking, our remote was picked up and used! Only later did we realize that it was back to acting in a normal way! Our trust was restored. And we were glad for the end of humidity!
God asks us to trust Him! But do we? I know that sometimes I want to do what would be so easy to let God take care of—but I don't. I appear to want to worry about somethings that God will and can take care of for me. We recently had to purchase a different car. It has been a lesson in trust. Trust the dealership, trust advice, trust our judgement, trust in prayer, trust God! But it is so hard to trust and not wonder if you made the right decision. But we did ask for God to guide, so we are trusting in our decision.
God,
Help me to trust the life that You have assigned to me—and to be content. I realize it’s also hurtful for me to compare my current circumstances with how things used to be or with fantasies that bear little resemblance to reality, and I worry—I do not trust You! Instead, I must make every effort to accept the life You have assigned to me. This way of thinking takes the sting out of painful, difficult circumstances.
You have called me to a situation, so I trust you’ll give me everything I need to endure it—and even to find some Joy in the midst of it.
Please train my mind to trust Your sovereign ways with me—bowing before Your mysterious, infinite intelligence. I need to search for You in the details of my day, all the while looking expectantly for good to emerge from trouble. I’m learning to accept and trust things the way they are, without losing hope for a better future. And I rejoice in the hope of Heaven, knowing and trusting that an indescribably joyful Life is my ultimate calling! Thank you God, Amen.
Some Bible verses that give me trust—
Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. 1 Corinthians 7:17 ESV
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. Philippians 4:12
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! “Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?” Romans 11:33–34
God's Word tells me to sing and pray because—You have dealt bountifully with me. I confess that sometimes singing praises is the last thing I feel like doing, but that’s when I need it the most. You have indeed dealt bountifully with me—even when it doesn’t seem that way. I’ve been on an uphill journey with You, and I’m growing weary. I long for some easy days, for a path that is not so steep with troubles at many of the steps. But I need to realize it is the strenuous climbs that take me ever upward—closer and closer to the summit and above troubles. Help me, God, to remember that the difficulty of my circumstances is not a mistake.
It’s a matter of Your sovereign will and—to some extent—my own choices and plans. I desire to live close to You and to grow more fully into the one You created me to be. Pursuing these goals has put me on an adventurous trail where difficulties and dangers abound--cancer in life dangers. Thank you, God.
Sometimes I compare my life and path with those of people whose lives seem easier than mine. But I don’t fully understand the problems they face, nor do I know what the future holds for them. Instead of comparing my circumstances with those of others, I need to turn and trust God and listen as He instructs me, “You follow Me!” I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me. — Psalm 13:6 NKJ
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect... He enables me to stand on the heights. — 2 Samuel 22:33–34
Jesus said to him, “If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!” — John 21:22 NASB
Someday I will stop the rebelling and learn to trust God’s way, always!