The last couple of years I have spent a lot of time WAITING! Mostly waiting to be able to walk again. Now I am learning how to walk again—a normal walk. I have been told that I am not there yet. Too much shuffling, too much leaning on support, too much of not standing tall and straight. I have learned bad habits. But it is nice to be up and about and able to start doing normal things again—some that I have seen needed doing, but that I could not possibly attempt. There are so many things I have missed out on, so many things undone! So many that I hardly know where to start the doing again. I never realized how much I missed by just walking outdoors. I had been happy sitting in my chair for so long. I had to learn to maintain my faith and hope during the waiting. The waiting battle seemed endless.
At one time or another throughout life, we all must wait for things. But when you are having medical issues and have to wait for a diagnosis, your wait feels different. With your body acting up, your mind can become riddled with fear and anxiety as you obsess over every possible "what if". Nobody really enjoys this type of waiting. But since we all go through it as a normal part of life, shouldn't we accept that it's going to happen and learn to wait well?
Over the last couple of years, I have become pretty familiar with trying to hold it together while waiting for a diagnosis. My young adult years were not marked with pain and frustration due to medical issues. Doctor visits, tests, and waiting for a diagnosis were never part of my life. But we all know life doesn't always go the way we think it should, right? "A man's mind plans his ways (as he journeys through life) but the Lord directs his steps and establishes them." (Proverbs 16:9 AMP)
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL
A while ago, it was time for a mammogram. I expected information—from “My Chart” or my doctor letting me know I was good for another year. Instead my phone rang with a different message. And I was surprised. After that unwanted phone call, my phone rang again and again. These phone calls provided an action plan that I needed to put into place. More testing, and then the biopsy. And at the same time there was the hip pain I had been enduring for well over a year. Then came the cancer and well, I did say that I have had lots of experience recently with learning to wait and wait and wait some more. So, I was once again waiting for not just one procedure but multiple. Each diagnosis altered my future one way or another. If I am told what I don't want to hear, I enter the dark, scary unknown. If I am told the best possible news, my future will still be changed because I will be changed (my thoughts, my faith, my vigilance, my relationships, etc…).
In the past, I haven't handled waiting in a way that was pleasing to God. I'm pretty sure I have failed miserably in my attitude. As I waited for these multiple diagnoses, I wanted to be intentional in my thoughts and actions, and trust God with the future, and, as I have said before, learn to submit with grace to what I know God will go with me through. No, I do not think that it is God's plan for me to experience these unwelcome things. They are just part of the sinful world I live in. But that doesn't stop God from joining me in my journey and teaching me to trust.
The time of my waiting is simple: I can claim Bible promises and pray and let others pray and petition for me. The prayers of others were so vital to my sanity while I was waiting. There simply isn't a shortcut or substitute for either of them. As someone has said, "Without holding firmly to Jesus nothing else I do while I wait would help." The many prayers of others brought me comfort.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33 KJV)
While I did not ask for a support system and allowed my mind to just think about my woes, I should have been seeking and asking. Nevertheless, God gave me support anyway. Just as God blessed Moses with a few trusted souls to stand beside him, God did the same for me. And, when I grew too tired to hold myself up God provided my husband and brothers and sisters and friends to stand in the gap with me—to call upon Him for me! see Exodus 17:12—"But Moses' hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun". Some say that the actions of Aaron and Hur represent how people can overcome conflict against Satan. Others say that the verse shows how people should rely on each other and on God when they are tired. Knowing there is a small army fighting for me with the strongest weapon possible (their prayers) really does add to my peace and gratitude. Having a support system is important because if we aren't careful, Satan will use this time of waiting to separate us and make us feel lonely and forgotten. Nobody needs those lies.
When I first started having medical issues, I let my thoughts and words affect me. But then God gave me a better way—His way, and it was a fight to change my mind set to stay away from dark, scary places. Being scared is almost always normal and there is nothing wrong with telling God how you feel. But don't fall into the trap of staying there. We must move on and do your best not to dwell on the negative.
In Psalm 13, David started out by crying out to God asking, "Oh Lord, how long?" By the end of that Psalm, he says, "But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he has been good to me." David didn't let himself stay in that dark mental place. He began to use a powerful spiritual weapon: praise and worship! He sang to subdue, take captive, and change his thoughts which changed his perspective of his situation. Since David did it, I know that I can, too!
If you ever find yourself in a time of waiting for a diagnosis, pray and ask God to share with you what He would like you to focus on. When you feel yourself leaning towards one thing over another, don't second guess yourself, just go with it. Use it as a step of faith.
As you learn to wait well, accept that you will be on a learning curve just like everyone—me! Keep in mind that God asks us to trust him. God doesn't call us to be perfect but obedient. As we are obedient, he has promised that he will work all things out for the good of those who love him. He won't let us down, no matter what. In turn, we need to trust him no matter what.
I have had to learn to maintain my faith when the battle seemed endless.
MY UPDATE—Satan does not sit back and take a rest. I have another potential problem that has me waiting for answers . And no, I still am not so good at the waiting. Am I doing everything right as I wait for the next diagnosis? I'm not there yet. I have had more tears for myself. But God's grace covers me, and He is helping me learn from my mistakes.
I must continue to wait for the next diagnosis. These things let me, and you, know that nobody has "made it". Nobody gets through life without struggling with a medical diagnosis at one time or another. Just because I am a child of God doesn't mean I will automatically be able to deal with the stress of waiting on the next diagnosis. Just because I was healed once doesn't mean I won't need healing again. Just because He took my pain today doesn't mean I won't need him to take my pain tomorrow. Just because there were prayers once for healing doesn't mean I shouldn't keep asking for more. Matthew 7:7-8: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened".
Some think this passage emphasizes the importance of persistent prayer. Others say that it describes God as a generous Father who is eager to give good things to his children when they ask.
Having to rely on God daily doesn't mean you didn't get healed or you lost out on your healing. It simply means you have to take that step of faith every single day and choose to trust God. I am far from perfect in learning this. I have had my moments of tears and anger. I have fallen into a black pit of despair more than once. How I choose to handle waiting for a diagnosis will make a difference in my outcome. But what makes the biggest difference is knowing that Jesus is right there with me. I can't imagine a better lifeguard!
Most of all, while I am waiting—waiting for a diagnosis, waiting for walking normal again, waiting for the next holiday and family dinners, waiting to drive a car safely, all things that I have missed out on while waiting. I am waiting for there to never be any more sickness and diagnoses. I am waiting to see my loved ones again that aren’t here any longer. But there is one thing I’m waiting for and that I want to make sure that I don't miss out on—
I don't want to miss out on heaven!